Life On Hold

It seems as though my life is at yet another stalling point. My husband and I have this goal of getting him through his last year of school. Once school is completed, we will be able to save money for fertility treatments and hopefully a new job for him will mean that when we do have children, I might have the opportunity to stay at home! It's a lot to swallow in one goal!

Anyhow, I recently was involved with a layoff, so this is the new holding pattern. The good that is comming out of this, is that it gives me a chance to do some nitty gritty career exploration, but I cannot help but be frustrated with my new unknown time table.

I visited one of my family memebers today who recently had a baby boy. The visit was not as difficult as I was expecting. I think in part because she lives so far away, it was perfectly aceptable to sit down and catch up with her instead of ooohhing and aaaahhhing the baby. But he sure was a handsome little guy!

I have been getting better about not being jealous of other people's baby situations. I am also a believer in things happen for a reason. My husband also reminds me that the grass is always greener! So I am definately trying to embrace what I am being given now. I have an amazing husband who I get to spend time with when he is not working, and I can go out whenever I want and have drinks with the girls. I don't have the responsibility that I want, and I am trying to make that a positive part of my life and embrace it while it lasts.

Twins Anyone?

Some posts that I have read are about the increased chances of having twins when you are undergoing fertility treatment. I'm sure you have ready my comments in my first post regarding how most people typically react to my fear of having twins. A very good friend of mine had a completely different reaction that I thought might be helpful. Her response was that having twins the first time around would be good (better than the second time around) because as a new mom, you don't know any differently. You don't have any expereince with adjusting to a new baby, so adjusting to two new babies is your new normal!

My Story...The Long Version!

Someone asked me recently to share my story, so this is probably as good a time as any to do so. In March of 06’ I had my second surgery for endometriosis (endo). I was diagnosed with stage IV, the most severe stage. Cleaning me out wasn’t quite good enough, so to keep things at bay, I went on Lupron (to medically induce menopause) for 6 months. After 5 months of complete mental torture, I had to stop the treatment. At 30 years old, I was beginning to feel the ‘clock ticking.’ My husband and I knew that we wanted children, I just wasn’t sure if this was the right time, with some of our goals a little out of our reach. We decided to blow those off and try for a family. My doctor told me that we should try for 6 months and then if we weren’t successful, we should come in and talk about our next step. The short time frame was given to us because of the severity of my endo. Doctors prefer to treat endo, with medication and if you are not on medication, then you better be pregnant or nursing to keep it from growing.

So six months go by and we see the doctor and he is not concerned and tells us to try another 6 months. Another six months go by and no positive pregnancy test. (At this point, I have been tracking my ovulation through body signs and temperature). We go to see the doctor again. He tells us the same story again…keep trying. So for the next six months, I put myself through the emotional and financial ringer. I continuously read pms signs as potential pregnancy signs. I continuously misread every sign my body is giving me with hopes that I am pregnant. There was one time in particular that I remember thinking that I was pregnant and I had mixed emotions about it because of other goals in my life that had not been met yet. Turns out it was just pms.

At this point, I felt like I was being strung along by my doctor, so on the advice from a couple of friends, I sought out a second opinion. The doctor that I went to see was very nice and very medically driven. She sat me down with my husband and said that she was going to cut to the chase. She said that my endo is so bad, it’s as if my tubes are tied, and the best chance we have of conceiving a child is through IVF. She spent a lot of time with us explaining everything and I greatly appreciated her being so straight forward. I did give my old doctor one last chance to fess up, at the request of my husband, and it was in that last appointment with him that he finally said the same thing as the doctor who gave me a second opinion. I did decide that I was tired of being strung along on a wing and a prayer, so I switched doctors. I often get very frustrated with the situation with my old doctor, but I think I needed to go through the experience. Sounds kind of funny, but it wasn’t until I was so frustrated with all of this that I realized that I truly did want a child. This gave me some comfort because know I know that mixed emotions will always likely be part of this, but I can recognize this and know that my strongest feeling in all the mixed up stuff is that we want a baby. It helps to keep me grounded. I know that everything will fall in to place when the time is right, I just need to focus on doing the best I can to increase my chances of pregnancy.

Another Pregnant Friend...

Yes I am happy for her, but a few weeks ago, she was worried and said to me..."God I hope I'm not pregnant." I was there for her 100%, but I had a hard time relating to her. I understood her fear...she already has a child who just turned 1 and if she is pregnant, then she'll have two children under the age of 2! As it turns out, she is pregnant. She shared the news with me a few weeks after that conversation. As much as I rationalize in my head, I still couldn’t help but feel a twinge of jealousy, because I know that she and her husband we not even trying.

My friends and family try hard to understand, but this is the first time in my life where I am learning, that no matter how hard they try…they just don’t get it. It’s not their fault, it’s just one of those situations where you have to experience it to truly know what is going on in my heart and my head. The advice that people give me sounds rash and harsh, while at the same time I know they are simply trying to be comforting. What they don’t understand is that in their attempt to comfort me, their statements are riddled with conclusions…Have you thought about adoption? Have you considered surrogacy? (You’re assuming I can’t get pregnant!) When talking about IVF, I share that I am extremely nervous about having twins…they never ask me why that makes me so scared, they ALL respond with this: “At least you will get it all over with at once!” Is that supposed to be comforting? Hello! I have never been pregnant! Oh and by the way, I’m not having kids to get it over with!

So this is the reason for my blog. I would like to connect with others who are going through the same experience. I hope not only to help others, but to learn from them as well.